Perv Phone

Online dating — where swipes replace serendipity, bios are CVs for your romantic life, and every now and then, you find yourself on a date with someone who owns a perv phone. Yes, you read that right. Strap in, because this one’s a corker.

So, I matched with this guy on Hinge. He seemed nice enough — not winning any beauty contests, but not someone you’d dive into a hedge to avoid either. Passable. He had that sort of “maybe he’s better in person” energy, which is code for potential, right?

We met up at a pub. Good vibes, chill setting, we even found a quiet spot upstairs where we could have a proper natter. Ideal for making a real connection or, as it turns out, uncovering deeply disturbing tech habits.

There we were, mid-convo, when I clocked his phone on the table. Standard stuff. But then… he pulls out another one. I didn't think too much of it — lots of people have work phones these days, especially if they like to pretend they’re very important and busy. I barely registered it.

Then, unprovoked, he mutters, “I shouldn’t have done that.”I go, “Done what?”He pauses. “Never mind.”Now, let me tell you, if you say something ominous and mysterious like that to a woman with a fully functioning imagination, we are absolutely going to ask again. So I did. Big mistake.

He sighs dramatically — like he’s been cornered by MI5 — and says, “Well now I have to tell you, because you asked twice.”

Mate. What?

He then proceeds to explain, with the casual confidence of someone describing their weekend plans, that the second phone is his “perv phone.”

Let me repeat that: PERV. PHONE.

Apparently, he’d been banned from Hinge for… something. He said a girl reported him, but didn’t elaborate. (Huge red flag. Suspiciously huge. Like, “why is there a crime scene tent in your garden” huge.) So he created a fake profile using a second phone, and went as far as setting up a whole new bank account to keep paying for Hinge Premium.

Yes. A new bank account. Just to carry on swiping.

Is Hinge really that good? Are the matches that elite? I mean, I’m on it, sure — but I’m not risking financial fraud to stay there.

Naturally, I recoiled. Like someone had offered me a handful of wet socks. My whole body went into retreat mode. I suddenly felt like I was 200 miles away from this man, emotionally and spiritually. He noticed and asked, genuinely confused, “Why are you reacting like that?”

Sir. SIR. You just told me you have a dedicated gadget for your online perversions. That you were booted from a dating app and instead of taking that as a sign to work on yourself, you went full Mission Impossible to sneak back in. How are you the one confused?

I made my excuses — the classic “Oh no, I’ve just remembered I left the oven on and I don’t own an oven” — and got the hell out of there. Fast.

Honestly, I don’t know what’s more disturbing — the fact he had a perv phone, or that he thought telling me about it was a flex.

So, moral of the story? If someone has two phones on a date… maybe ask what the second one’s for before you get too cosy. And always trust your gut — especially if it’s screaming, Get out now, woman, and don’t look back.

Anyway, that’s all from me for now. Until the next dating disaster — and trust me, there will be one. Stay tuned.

Have you ever had a moment on a date that made you question reality?